Feeling out of place

All of you who know me a little bit, know that I am quite social and open to meeting new people of all sorts and kinds. This is one of the reasons why,  till now,  I had a great time here in Montreal: exploring, enjoying, entertaining and learning. I like meeting new people. That is why I decided to go to the introduction day of the CISA (Concordia International Students Association) today, in spite of the loads of reading I have to do for next week. I thought it could be a good place to make new friends.

The day started with a gathering in a big beautiful lecture hall. I met Peggah, a girl from Iran who I know from my stay in the hostel. But I barely get the time to get posted on what is going on in her life, because we are split up in different teams. I understand, they want us to meet new people. I want that too, that’s why I came, so fine. Let’s go meet new people!

But before we can do that we have to sit through this whole spectacle in which the board of CISA is introducing themselves and other ‘important’ people. This is where my doubts about coming to this day start. I feel completely out of place. I listen to some business-school-propaganda, followed by stories about how crazy (read: drunk) you can get at CISA parties. Everything seems so superficial. And what is with the screaming: ‘ARE   YOU   HAVING    F U N !?!?!’ every five minutes? I seem to be the only one that doesn’t get it, because around me people are getting more and more enthusiastic.

With everyone around me clapping hands and producing grunts and screams of joy I wonder what is wrong with me. Is this how I should feel too? Do I miss the point? Or am I the one being superficial and do I not give this event and these people a fair chance? I definitely do not aim to be superficial and decide to stick around a little longer and give it a chance. So when we leave the lecture hall to do some games in our teams I take a deep breath, shake of the annoyance and start over. All ready to shake new hands and tell people my name and where I am from as if I never told such interesting things to anyone before.

I do not really like the games (which involve a lot of touching each other), but neither do most of my teammates, so that works kind of binding. I make some jokes with some people and even get passed the standard ’so where are you from?’ with some, but still… I feel very much out of place.

I don’t care about how rich your daddy is and I find the ‘and then I was SO drunk’-stories rather sad. Of course I do not tell people that, I still want them to like me. But every time I try to talk about something other then partying, drugs and sex, people tune out and walk away or just look at me really confused. I decide to just not talk about me or things I value anymore and to just pretend I am interested in their beer adventures.

When during the BBQ I find myself talking to someone who cannot stop looking at my breasts and someone else starts doing a strip act on a chair, I decide to leave and go home. I don’t feel like joining these people in a bar-atlon tonight. I guess I am not really a party girl. I feel very tired and I have to admit I am a little bit disappointed. This was not what I expected at all. I guess I got spoiled, meeting so many interesting people with big goals and visions the past year. But I can’t help finding it disturbing that all these people I talked to, seem to have come all the way to Canada just to party and show off. I wish they could see how privileged they are just because they are free to go wherever they want. I know I do.

Maybe I am wrong about the people I met today. Maybe I am the one being superficial. I hope so. I hope it is my mistake.